admin March 3rd, 2010
My last post focused on what I call depressionbusters, but where did this come from? I believe that part of recovery involves lots and lots of feelings and feeling states that weren’t experienced during active addiction. Take away the addiction, and the feelings appear. As Pat Carnes once said, “The good news about recovery is that you get your feelings back. The bad news about recovery is that you get your feelings back.”
As program teaches us, recovery requires us to live life on life’s terms. And part of aliveness and being human are the experiences that life presents to us. By staying present to it all–sadness, despair, fears and even terror will show up at times. It’s not the feelings, it’s how we deal with them.
A friend from program called me earlier because he was feeling a bit scared and lonely. He really didn’t want anything specific from our conversation, but he didn’t want to be alone. Staying connected at times when our feelings are “big” can be the antidote to using or acting out and possibly sliding down a slippery slope of self-sabotage.
Feelings are truly our allies–reminders that we’re human and alive. Remember that feelings are like floats in a parade. They stall sometimes, they move sometimes, but they always will pass by eventually.
admin February 27th, 2010
In recovery we sometimes hit roadblocks and don’t always remember all of the resources available to us. Here is a simple list I put together a few years ago which might be helpful to you or someone you know if and when the reminders are needed:
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- Support Groups (e.g. 12step meetings, etc.)
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- Books about depression/self-improvement
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- Prayer and/or spiritual connection
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- Music: Playing and/or listening
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- Hobbies/Fun (e.g. beach, movies, reading)
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- Classes (e.g. writing, dance, computers)
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- Community Groups (e.g. Sierra Club, Toastmasters)
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- Bodywork/Chiropractic/Acupuncture
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- Homeopathic/Ayurvedic/Naturopathic Medicine
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- Psychopharmacology (Medication)
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A Harvard Study found that engagement and meaning are necessary elements for life fulfillment. How do you feel engaged in your life and what gives your life meaning?
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admin January 22nd, 2010
As I sit here on a rainy Friday morning in Santa Monica, I’m reminded of this traditional children’s tune that resonates with me. Living near the ocean allows me to see the greatness of the Pacific and how small I truly am in comparison. Last year in the midst of my own internal turbulence a voice came to me as I was walking my dog by the water and it simply said, “I know so little.” Where these words came from at that particular moment was a mystery, but I do recognize that there is a power way greater than myself spoonfeeding me at times if I’m willing to be open-hearted and listen.
In recovery there tends to be less stormy weather as the self-induced crises and dramas subside, but rainy days still exist. And this is where the challenge arises to ride the waves of the storm without getting caught in the undertow. If I remain in humility and gratitude, the chances are exponentially better that the storm will pass quicker and with less disruption.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast is partly cloudy with minimal chance of showers. The storms will always pass–by utilizing the tools of recovery we get to move toward sunnier skies with grace and serenity.
admin December 6th, 2009
As the holidays approach, it often takes additional focus to create a conscious, balanced and peaceful season for ourselves. Paying attention to our relationships with food and money might be a good starting point followed closely by our relationships with work and sex. More than ever — adopting an attitude of moderation can go a long way.
We can also think of home as a place where we live or home as a place within us based on where our heart feels most at peace. I very much believe in creating a physical space which reflects a peaceful heart, and you can choose how your home looks this holiday season. For instance, I enjoy putting up some decorations in an attempt to mark the holidays and punctuate the end of a year. But ultimately it’s the experiences and the time spent with loved ones that creates the richness of the season for me.
This doesn’t rule out indulging in some of the foods and exchanging of gifts which seems to be an inevitable part of the season, but each year I get to participate in the December festivities with more mindfulness and more choice in how I’d like to design it. Most of all, pace yourself knowing that you can do as much or as little as you choose, and either way, January 2nd will be upon us before you know it.
May it be a peaceful, joyful season and a New Year full of lots of creative possibilities.
admin October 31st, 2009
It’s Halloween and tonight the clocks fall back an hour shifting the season toward winter and shortening the light at the end of our day. It feels symbolic as recovery often becomes a reminder of the darkness of the past and moving toward lighter places in our lives. One of my colleagues once said that recovery is really about mending broken hearts — those of our clients and of ourselves. Not only do I find this very accurate, but it reminds us how this is a dynamic process about expansion, hope and living life on life’s terms.
Recently, a speaker at a meeting shared that his growing edge was to learn how to receive love. After many years of working a 12step program, he feels that it’s still so painstaking to really take in the love offered to him. And this is where the lightness shows up. A lightness about the journey. A lightness to receive. A lightness to give. And a lightness to be very gentle and patient as the process is a lifelong one–not one to be grasped overnight.
As the darker season is upon us, I suggest that you pay attention to the lightness around you and inside of you.
admin September 22nd, 2009
Someone once told me that one way of envisioning boundaries is “where you end and the other begins.” This seems like a clear visual of knowing how to differentiate between yourself and others. Part of recovery is about establishing healthier boundaries, and this is a challenge and an opportunity to discover your availability in relationships and how to navigate requests. Asking yourself the question “How do I choose to be available?” instead of “What do others want from me?” can be a clear place to start.
Most of us have generosity of spirit within us, but if our generosity turns into self-neglect, it usually leads to resentment and burnout leaving you ineffectual to everyone. To truly bring your quality self to the table, think about what will leave you feeling balanced and peaceful with your choices. Will this leave you feeling serene or depleted? A lot to consider, but worthwhile as you determine your availability–emotionally, physically and spiritually. Don’t be afraid to be of service–one of the greatest tools of recovery–but check it out within yourself before you move forward.
admin September 8th, 2009
At times old trauma can reappear when you least expect it. It can be as simple as old family patterns that are “acted out” in front of you while you’re trying to disengage. Or it can show up when a current situation or person resembles a traumatic moment from your past. Either way, it’s an opportunity to navigate these tricky waters and not fall into the same old minefields that appear in front of you.
Recently, my family has converged around a crisis with one of my siblings–as a result, there is way more contact with family than usual. Because I left the East Coast over 21 years ago with the intention of establishing distance, it’s a bit of a shock to the system to once again witness the chaos and struggle in front of me. Don’t get me wrong. My family loves each other more or less, but we’ve never learned how to love one another. And the dilemma keeps showing up again and again.
In recovery we learn to establish healthier boundaries, and it’s not only ok to detach with compassion but is sometimes essential to show up at all if you choose to be of service.
admin August 13th, 2009
A client of mine recently shared with me that her recovery is based on connection vs. isolation. She’s been in the program for 8 years and felt like she had been drifting a bit from her connection to her fellowship. As we continued to take a closer look at her recent drop in energy level, it became clear that her dis-connection from program coincided with her dis-connection from herself, her passions and her vitality. When it became clearer and clearer that this had been the case, it revealed the simple truth that her presence in the 12step rooms and her connections to those in her fellowship strongly influenced her overall well-being and life balance. This realization gave her a sense of hope and newfound direction.
Sometimes the simplest things can be forgotten, and it may take a friendly reminder and a bit of open-heartedness to re-discover what really matters. As a result of the simple gifts of program, my client renewed her outlook, refreshed her connections and re-committed to what gives her life meaning.
admin July 30th, 2009
As I continue to “get the word out” about coaching and Recovery Coaching, it seems to me that there are those who get it and those who don’t. It’s always clear when someone gets it–it’s as if a light bulb goes on above their head and they have been “turned on” to the idea of how coaching works and how it can possibly benefit them and/or their clients. These are the folks I call “my people”.
The other group, of course, is those who don’t get it. These are not “my people.” As a colleague of mine once told me, “it’s my job in life to find my people.” And then it’s essential to cultivate those strategic alliances.
As we continue to educate the world about coaching, I feel it’s my calling to be an educator and to be one of the many voices among voices sharing our passion for Recovery Coaching and its tremendous value to the world.
admin July 18th, 2009
July 18, 2009
Coaching those in early recovery takes patience. Patience on the part of the client and patience on the part of the coach. I relate this to the children’s story “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”. If the coaching goes too quickly, it may be too much, too soon. If the coaching moves too slowly, it may create no energy and go nowhere. But the art is finding the right temperature and moving together at the right pace whatever that may be. This may take some trial and error but ultimately allows the client to find their true rhythm at this point in their recovery.
Traditionally addicts tend to seek immediate gratification and want everything yesterday — so it may be helpful to take a moment to explain to them your respect for where they are in their recovery and the reason that you’re helping them find their pace even if it does feel a bit slow at times. Creating stretch goals but also looking at ways to stay grounded and realistic is also part of the new balance they will experience as they experiment with how it feels to accomplish their goals in sobriety.
Early recovery is a time of discovery. A time of experiencing oneself as capable and competent possibly for the first time in a very long time — if ever.
