power of vulnerability

admin January 28th, 2012

If you haven’t seen it already–run, don’t walk to the YouTube presentation entitled The Power Of Vulnerability given by Brené Brown.  Not only is she a fantastic presenter, but she shares valuable information that touches all of us.  Below are some of the notes I compiled based on the video so get your popcorn and sit back for 20 minutes to listen to this research-based, whole-hearted, engaging presentation.

(My notes):

Connection is why we’re here—it’s what gives our lives purpose and meaning.

Humans have the ability to connect—we’re biologically wired for connection.

Shame:  fear of disconnection; Is there something about me that if other people knew or saw would make me unworthy of connection?

Underpinning = excruciating vulnerability

For connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen – really seen.

Sense of worthiness: strong sense of love and belonging; belief that you’re worthy of love and belonging as opposed to others who feel they aren´t worthy of love and belonging (i.e. those who carry shame).

Whole-heartedness = deep sense of worthiness

Qualities of the whole-hearted person:

  • Courage (to be imperfect)
  • Compassion (to be kind to yourself and then to others)
  • Connection (as a result of authenticity – letting go of who you think you should be in order to be who you are)
  • Vulnerability (fully embraced): “what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful” (not comfortable or excruciating—simply necessary)

Examples of Vulnerability:  saying I love you first, doing something with no guarantees; investing in relationship that may or may not work out

Vulnerability: Birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, love, aliveness

When we numb vulnerability, we numb everything (e.g. addictions numb our pain but also numbs our aliveness)

Examples of how our society numbs:

Most in debt / Most obese / Most addicted / Most medicated adult cohort in  U.S. history

How we numb:

  • We try to make the uncertain, certain
  • We perfect (e.g. plastic surgery)
  • We pretend (what  we do doesn’t have an effect on people)

Blame: A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

Therefore, blame prevents vulnerability.

Ways to lean into vulnerability:

  • Let yourself be seen– deeply seen
  • Love with your whole heart (without any guarantees)
  • Practice gratitude and lean into joy
  • Believe that “I am enough”

boundaries

admin January 14th, 2012

Because addictions and compulsions generally lead us to cross all sorts of boundaries, establishing and sustaining boundaries is an essential part of recovery.  I recently read a book called Never Good Enough by Carol Cannon (the founder of  The Bridge to Recovery) and here are some notes I compiled based on her perspective:

  • A boundary is the means by which we protect ourselves without offending others
  • A boundary is where you end and the other begins.
  • Mutual boundaries are a sign of mutual respect.

Pia Mellody’s 4 Basic Premises of Boundaries:

  1. Physically: the right to determine when, where, how, and who touches us and how close they will come to us.
  2. Sexually: the right to determine with whom, where, when, and how we wish to be sexual.
  3. Emotionally: the right to evaluate messages expressed by others about ourselves before we take them in — anything another person says or does to us at any given moment is more about that person and their history than it is about us.
  4. Intellectually: the right to think and believe as we wish, knowing that we are accountable for the consequences.

Types of Boundaries:

After-the-fact boundary: an honest statement of your feelings is a gentle way of letting someone know when you have been offended (no response requested from the listener).

Before-the-fact boundary: differs from the after-the-fact boundary only in timing and in the addition of the statement “When ___________ happens, I feel _____________ and I want _______________.      (no response requested from the listener).

Contingency boundary: suggests what you will do if your boundary is violated.

Spur-of-the-moment boundary: when feeling uncomfortable with a person’s suggestions or behavior, the ability to say “no” in the moment.

Buying time: when faced with a situation of uncertainty, you can simply buy time by saying,”  I have to think about it—I’ll get back to you.”

Laser-beam boundaries: a clear, direct, honest boundary e.g. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Broken-record technique: when someone won’t take no for an answer, calmly repeat your statement of refusal over and over.

I hope that these ideas will resonate for some of you as we learn to develop healthier boundaries and cleaner, healthier, more-satisfying relationships.

intentions

admin January 4th, 2012

As we embark on this leg of the journey in 2012, it can be a time of mindfully looking at our intentions for the new year. I prefer the word intentions over resolutions because it leaves a lot more wiggle room and flexibility for the unfolding of what we want and desire. So the first question is, “What do we really, really want this year?” And the second question is “What do we truly desire?” These questions are not to be taken lightly because they both require some soul-searching and generally some quiet time to unplug and really listen to your rhythm within.

In some ways my life has become simpler and simpler as I know that my heart’s desire is to create more balance, more fun, more play and more spontaneity into my life–both personally and professionally. It also takes boundaries–knowing what works for me and what doesn’t and sticking to them. 2011 was a huge opportunity for me to see that boundaries can always be re-visited and refined. As a result, I know that they will free up my energy and my spirit to focus on and pay attention to what really counts in my life.

Now is the time to say “no” which in turn will free us up to say “yes” in a bigger way on the other side. As you contemplate your wants and desires, consider boundaries to be your greatest ally and I wish you a very boundary-conscious, fun and peaceful New Year.

evolution

admin November 24th, 2011

On December 9th I’ll be leading a workshop entitled “It’s Not About the Sex: The Paradox of Sexual Addiction” at the Evolution of Addiction Treatment conference here in Los Angeles (www.theevolutionofaddictiontreatment.com).  As I was thinking about the conference theme, I realized what a personal and professional evolution(and possibly revolution) it’s been in the sex addiction world these past 20 years.  It’s moved out of the shadows and into the media spotlight.  It’s becoming more and more understood as a symptom of deeper issues — often related to early attachment.  And nowadays the rooms of sexual recovery fellowships are full of people truly wanting to integrate healthier intimacy and sexuality into their lives.

Don’t get me wrong–we still have a long way to go, but the stigma continues to diminish, the public is starting to get more of a clue about what’s really going on and the addiction recovery community is finally seeing that sex and intimacy issues need to be addressed as part of one’s recovery regardless of the presenting addiction.  As I’ve shared before, I believe that addiction recovery is also about trauma recovery, and today there is a widespread understanding that sex addiction really isn’t about the sex but only manifests in that way.

The deeper healing continues.

my recent journey

admin November 20th, 2011

After my recent July visit to The Bridge to Recovery in Bowling Green, Kentucky, something touched me in a way I didn’t anticipate. Because their workshop-based program focuses on trauma, codependency and process addictions, I felt an automatic kinship with their mission, but I never expected to find myself on a Santa Barbara ranch for the first two weeks of October. When my colleague, John Stenzel, executive director of The Bridge, gently suggested I consider attending their two-week program at their brand-new location, I mulled it over a bit but somehow knew it felt right. Fast forward to October, and there I was—participating as a client up at The Bridge.

I was deeply touched by the work I did there and feel incredibly grateful that I followed my instincts and treated myself to this healing, rejuvenating process. The Bridge has been around since the 70’s, but it’s been a well-kept secret to many of us on the West Coast.  Because it’s a non-profit, mission-driven organization, I have the utmost respect for the integrity of their program and the vision they hold.  As I further metabolize the experience, I’ll be happy to share more details with you, and most of all, it’s a fantastic resource to benefit Southern California for a long time to come.

autumn leaves

admin October 28th, 2011

Last week I was back in Philly visiting my dad for his 84th birthday and it was typical fall weather — cool and crisp with falling leaves. A flashback to my childhood and yet so strangely familiar after almost a quarter of a century away from it. Surrounded by family and childhood friends, I felt so grateful for the moments we spent together — mindfully taking in the experience as I watch the years go by and the generations move forward.

Being back in Santa Monica I also feel so incredibly grateful for so many things including the fact that it’s supposed to sleet and snow in the Northeast this weekend. Although I enjoy visiting the snow here on the West Coast, it’s a true privilege to have 75 degree weather on October 28th.

saying goodbye

admin September 9th, 2011

Last Sunday we gathered for a memorial to remember my mother and brother who both died recently. Family and friends came together to honor their memories in very distinct and lovely ways. I had never organized a memorial, but with some family input, we came up with the food, the music, the poetry and the prayers that seemed most fitting. We also had plenty of time for spontaneous sharing of memories as well as eulogies that people had written out. What struck me the most was the diversity of lenses on these two formative people in my life. The stories that I never heard. The archived photos I had never seen. The private memories that were made public at our shared gathering.

The day before the memorial my back went out. Stress? Moving too fast? Carrying too much weight? Or all the above? It actually forced me to slow down, to ask for help and not to try and do it all as I tend to do. This is my lesson once again. Letting go of the control. Letting go of the perfection. Moving slower and knowing how and when to ask for help.

It was a day I’ll never forget for many reasons, and I do encourage you to make room for some type of ritual when death inevitably touches your life. It’s truly part of the healing…

death and taxes

admin June 11th, 2011

Benjamin Franklin once said,”The only things certain in life are death and taxes.” Although this quote has been passed down through the centuries, it’s only partially true because relationships are also inevitable unless we live up on a mountaintop in the Himalayas. Even if that were the case, relationships still exist–with oneself, with a higher power however you define that for yourself, and with others. Relationships have always been a sanctuary for me as far back as I can remember, and they are with us from ashes to ashes. Although relationships can be hard work, they also give meaning and purpose to how we live and the directions we choose.

At the outset of my career, I worked as a hospice social worker, and nobody ever told me they wished they had spent more hours at the office. The wish generally had to do with people–a desire to spend more time with loved ones, to play more tennis with friends, to travel with a significant other to a new destination. Death and taxes are inevitable, but relationships add lots of texture to our connections and ultimately bring us love.

tears in heaven

admin May 31st, 2011

After being diagnosed in October 2010 with terminal lung cancer, my mom died peacefully this past Saturday at the age of 83. We had a complicated relationship, but this past 7 months was truly a gift for both of us. Somehow we found a way to re-connect with mutual appreciation, respect and grace, and I feel so grateful for this unexpected blessing. Without recovery and therapy and coaching, I don’t know if I would’ve been so prepared for this last chapter. Instead we shared many moments of laughter, poignancy and bittersweet memories as part of our extended goodbye. Grief is an integral part of life, and I actually felt more alive as we were facing the inevitable end of her life. I trust that my mom has found peace as she has made her transition, and in my heart I’ve found peace as well.

the end is near

admin May 15th, 2011

When I was in college at the University of Massachusetts, I played in the UMASS Minuteman Marching Band. Yes, I know that Minutemen are a rather unusual mascot, but this was in New England which is the home of the Patriots and other teams based on the history of the region. Anyway, the band and the music department was a family-of-choice for me and was truly a sanctuary in the midst of 25,000 college kids hanging out in the Pioneer Valley of Western Massachusetts.

At the end of each football game, there was a band tradition to play “My Way” where we played most of it but actually sang a verse as well. “And now the end is near…” Ironically and sadly our band director, George Parks died suddenly last year while on a band trip on the way to the game at the University of Michigan. I suppose his final days were doing what he loved best — I believe he was the director for about 30 years and he left quite a legacy at UMass where the band was often the highlight of the football games (no offense to the football players who tried their best I’m sure).

My mother is now in her final days and I’ve had the rare opportunity to be with her these last 7 months since her diagnosis in a way that has been vastly different than our recent past. So as she declines physically, her spirit remains stronger with me than I imagined. May she rest in peace in these last days and always…

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