Daily Habits are small, constructive actions completed on a routine basis. These actions can quickly give you a sense of accomplishment and forward momentum resulting in a foundation for greater change to occur. It’s said that it takes 21 days to introduce a habit into the rhythm of our lives. What action, if taken on a regular basis, would make a difference in your life?  List the realistic action steps that you would like to integrate into your routine.

Examples: Walk 3 times a week. Take vitamins daily. Meditate for ten minutes a day.  Floss daily.  Take a weekly yoga class.  Daily journal writing. etc etc etc.

• Love addicts are obsessed with fantasy and/or wanting to be rescued.
• Love avoidants use relational walls to prevent feeling overwhelmed by the other.

And here are some typical traits of love avoidance and love addiction:

Love avoidance:

• based in enmeshment
• compulsion to take care of the other
• resentment for taking care of the other
• associates love with duty or work
• mistakes caregiving for love
• feels responsible to caretake a needy person
• systematic use of walls
• appears relational (i.e. behavior of love, but no feeling of love)
• not about cherishing partner
• “allergic” to being intimate or relational in a vulnerable way
• often becomes risktaking to feel alive
• intensity cycle: feels like spontaneity and true self
• conscious fear of death from suffocation
• unconscious fear of abandonment

Love addiction:

• based in abandonment & neglect
• obsessed with a fantasy about another person
• objectifies the other person through fantasy
• consciously fears death from abandonment
• attracted to walled-in person who appears powerful
• in love with the fantasy of another–seeing what they want to see
• when something shatters the denial, then emotional withdrawal
• unconscious fear of intimacy

I view both love addiction and love avoidance (often referred to as the pursuer and the distancer) as attachment issues that require a long-term healing process usually found through a combination of psychotherapy and 12 step work.  Although the terms can be rather misleading and often misunderstood, it’s a profoundly lonely affliction that heals through the re-building of trust and intimacy gradually and safely.

I’ve visited numerous treatment centers in the last 20 years and there are many reputable ones out there, but Safe Harbor had a particular quality of professionalism, warmth and core belief in their approach that was palpable throughout the day.  Their three separate programs (recommended stay of 90 days minimum)  include:  1) women ages 18-25 2) eating disorders and dual diagnosis and 3) trauma & addiction.

If you’re ever in the Orange County area, don’t miss the opportunity to visit a gender-specific program that truly walks the walk.

Addictions:

Drinking: A Love Story, Caroline Knapp.

12-Step Literature (e.g. The Big Book of AA / 12 Steps and 12 Traditions)

Anxiety:

The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, Edmund Bourne.

Buddhist Infusion:

How to Be An Adult in Relationships, David Richo.

Radical Acceptance, Tara Brach.

Codependency:

The Language of Letting Go,  Melody Beattie.

Couples:

The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman.

Mating in Captivity,  Esther Perel.

Death & Dying:

Saying Goodbye to Someone You Love,  Norine Dresser and Fredda Wasserman.

Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom.

Forgiveness:

Forgive For Good, Fred Luskin.

Men’s Issues:

Facing the Fire,  John Lee.

I Don’t Want to Talk About It, Terrence Real.

Sexual Addictions:

Facing the Shadow (workbook),  Patrick Carnes.

Out of the Shadows, Patrick Carnes.

Somatic Experiencing:

Crash Course,  Laurence Heller and Diane Poole-Heller.

Waking the Tiger,  Peter Levine.

Spirituality:

The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz.

The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle

The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, Deepak Chopra.

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Entrepreneurs & Small Business Owners:

The E-Myth Revisited, Michael Gerber.

Goal Achievement:

Maximum Achievement, Brian Tracy.

The Success Principles, Jack Canfield and Janet Switzer.

Money Issues:

Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Robert Kiyosaki.

The Wealthy Spirit, Chellie Campbell.

On Day 1 (“The Special Institute”) I attended a full-day workshop with Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity and found her to be dynamic, inspiring and engaging as she shared a very fresh and sometimes controversial perspective to her work with couples and desire.

On Days 2 and 3 (“The Institute”), I participated in a 2-day group experience lead by Ronnie Levine, PhD, a modern psychoanalytic group leader based in New York and an instructor at the Center for Group Studies.  Although it was highly-challenging and unsettling at times, it provided an invaluable experience.

On Days 4 and 5 (“The Conference”) I attended three diverse workshops and one open session.  The workshops all had a demonstration group as part of the format and the open session had a panel of four seasoned clinicians from different theoretical orientations analyzing a videotape of a scripted group.

Being with 25 members of the Group Psychotherapy Association of Los Angeles (away from L.A.) was truly a treat.   On Thursday afternoon the AGPA Community Meeting honored Keith Rand as a new Fellow of AGPA – a well-deserved recognition. Then many of us gathered together for a “happy hour” which felt like an oasis in the midst of 1000 attendees.  Getting to know GPALA members outside of the hustle-bustle of L.A. allowed me to share some really memorable moments and conversations that seem rare back home.

Thursday night I attended a dinner organized by the GLBT Special Interest Group (SIG) as 35 of us gathered at a local Greek restaurant.  On Thursday and Friday during lunch I attended the GLBT SIG and the Addiction/Recovery SIG, and this is another prime opportunity to build and develop relationships.

AGPA is also a place for fun. On Wednesday night Keith organized an outing to see Freud’s Last Session (an off-Broadway play), and there was also a dance and a luncheon which I didn’t attend this year because I went to visit a childhood friend of mine.

All in all, the AGPA Annual Meeting was an abundant 6-day event, and I chose  how to pace myself throughout the week.  It’s certainly a one-of-a-kind opportunity to be part of a vibrant community of those who are passionate about the tremendous power and value of group.

Next week I’ll be attending the American Group Psychotherapy Association (AGPA) conference in New York as I continue to stretch and grow after all these years.  One of the fringe benefits of this profession allows me to continue learning and bringing fresh, new perspectives back to my group.  If you would like more information about groups nationally, visit the AGPA website at www.agpa.org or here in Los Angeles at www. gpala.org.

Because addiction is a dis-ease of isolation, I imagine she unfortunately experienced profound loneliness at the top.  As a result, she lost touch with herself and those who loved her which eventually lead to her public decline.

Like many great artists,  Whitney seemed to self-destruct in front of our eyes and nothing could be done as her train continued to derail.  In retrospect, I wish she had found the 12 steps or a mentor who would’ve helped her back on track at times when she was lost, but this was not to be the case. After watching parts of her funeral, I was reminded how receiving the love around us is one of the antidotes to addiction.  I imagine that Whitney never really found out how to do just that.

(My notes):

Connection is why we’re here—it’s what gives our lives purpose and meaning.

Humans have the ability to connect—we’re biologically wired for connection.

Shame:  fear of disconnection; Is there something about me that if other people knew or saw would make me unworthy of connection?

Underpinning = excruciating vulnerability

For connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen – really seen.

Sense of worthiness: strong sense of love and belonging; belief that you’re worthy of love and belonging as opposed to others who feel they aren´t worthy of love and belonging (i.e. those who carry shame).

Whole-heartedness = deep sense of worthiness

Qualities of the whole-hearted person:

• Courage (to be imperfect)
• Compassion (to be kind to yourself and then to others)
• Connection (as a result of authenticity – letting go of who you think you should be in order to be who you are)
• Vulnerability (fully embraced): “what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful” (not comfortable or excruciating—simply necessary)

Examples of Vulnerability:  saying I love you first, doing something with no guarantees; investing in relationship that may or may not work out

Vulnerability: Birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging, love, aliveness

When we numb vulnerability, we numb everything (e.g. addictions numb our pain but also numbs our aliveness)

Examples of how our society numbs:

Most in debt / Most obese / Most addicted / Most medicated adult cohort in  U.S. history

How we numb:

• We try to make the uncertain, certain
• We perfect (e.g. plastic surgery)
• We pretend (what  we do doesn’t have an effect on people)

Blame: A way to discharge pain and discomfort.

Therefore, blame prevents vulnerability.

Ways to lean into vulnerability:

• Let yourself be seen– deeply seen
• Love with your whole heart (without any guarantees)
• Practice gratitude and lean into joy
• Believe that “I am enough”

• A boundary is the means by which we protect ourselves without offending others
• A boundary is where you end and the other begins.
• Mutual boundaries are a sign of mutual respect.

Pia Mellody’s 4 Basic Premises of Boundaries:

1. Physically: the right to determine when, where, how, and who touches us and how close they will come to us.
2. Sexually: the right to determine with whom, where, when, and how we wish to be sexual.
3. Emotionally: the right to evaluate messages expressed by others about ourselves before we take them in — anything another person says or does to us at any given moment is more about that person and their history than it is about us.
4. Intellectually: the right to think and believe as we wish, knowing that we are accountable for the consequences.

Types of Boundaries:

After-the-fact boundary: an honest statement of your feelings is a gentle way of letting someone know when you have been offended (no response requested from the listener).

Before-the-fact boundary: differs from the after-the-fact boundary only in timing and in the addition of the statement “When ___________ happens, I feel _____________ and I want _______________.      (no response requested from the listener).

Contingency boundary: suggests what you will do if your boundary is violated.

Spur-of-the-moment boundary: when feeling uncomfortable with a person’s suggestions or behavior, the ability to say “no” in the moment.

Buying time: when faced with a situation of uncertainty, you can simply buy time by saying,”  I have to think about it—I’ll get back to you.”

Laser-beam boundaries: a clear, direct, honest boundary e.g. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Broken-record technique: when someone won’t take no for an answer, calmly repeat your statement of refusal over and over.

I hope that these ideas will resonate for some of you as we learn to develop healthier boundaries and cleaner, healthier, more-satisfying relationships.

In some ways my life has become simpler and simpler as I know that my heart’s desire is to create more balance, more fun, more play and more spontaneity into my life–both personally and professionally. It also takes boundaries–knowing what works for me and what doesn’t and sticking to them. 2011 was a huge opportunity for me to see that boundaries can always be re-visited and refined. As a result, I know that they will free up my energy and my spirit to focus on and pay attention to what really counts in my life.

Now is the time to say “no” which in turn will free us up to say “yes” in a bigger way on the other side. As you contemplate your wants and desires, consider boundaries to be your greatest ally and I wish you a very boundary-conscious, fun and peaceful New Year.