Sexual Addiction

Revealing Blind Spots (Now What? Life After Sex Addiction, Part 1)

Sexual compulsives compartmentalize sex and intimacy as separate experiences, so the quest to integrate them may seem like a long haul. Similar to how a drug addict chooses to abstain from their substance of choice, you’ve chosen to give up the adrenaline rush and immediate gratification that accompanied risky behaviors like anonymous sex or visits to “happy ending” massage parlors. If you can maintain sexual sobriety, an open heart, and some perseverance, all the rewards of emotional sobriety may come your way too.

Which is not to say the process . . .

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The Gratitude of Loss (Part Two)

Breaking up with Your Compulsive Past

Just as there is labor with birth, there is labor with death. When you make an active choice to say goodbye to sexual compulsion, the process of letting go is not a single event. It begins when your pain has become intolerable, often referred to as hitting bottom. First you stop the obvious high-risk behaviors, but later on in recovery you might also halt the more subtle behaviors, like keeping secrets from your partner or seeking sexual validation from others.

Grieve these compulsive tendencies as you let go . . .

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Compulsive Sexual Behavior: The New Sex Addiction

After many years of deliberation, the World Health Organization has recognized and included Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD) in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10). This is the first time in history that CSBD has been validated by a global gathering of clinicians. For many years sex addiction specialists have lobbied to include sex addiction as a formal diagnosis, but to no avail. The often-misunderstood term was coined by Patrick Carnes in the 1980s, but . . .

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Meaning, Purpose, and Legacy (Part 1)

Spirituality, as I’ve mentioned before, is “whatever gives your life meaning.” You have the freedom to find it through your own heart rather than as others define it. A spiritual experience can take many forms—the simple enjoyment of an afternoon with a beloved pet, or on a hike through nature. Meaning and purpose in recovery tend to coalesce around big-ticket items like forgiveness, getting in touch . . .

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Problematic Porn Use and Moral Incongruence (Part 1)

Until recently, I wasn’t familiar with the term moral incongruence, but I’ve had clients through the years describe the effects of growing up in ultra-conservative families usually within strict religious communities that labeled pornography as sinful. As a liberal Jewish therapist, these stories always surprise me, but I continue to learn about the suffering associated with such complicated . . .

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Avoidance as a Survival Strategy (Part 2)

Because we are most defended against our greatest needs, intimacy is an emotionally-precarious territory. Over time, you learned to build self-protective walls due to past hurts, disappointments, and intrusions, but in recovery you can safely break down your walls and learn to rely on others gradually. If you’re determined to heal old relationship wounds, being in a relationship is the best place to work . . .

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Beyond Sexual Compulsivity (Part 2)

Loss is a natural part of recovery. Because sexual compulsion is actually a misfired attempt to regulate the nervous system, it requires a conscious choice to say goodbye to these stale behaviors. This requires a willingness to say goodbye to this survival strategy and to trust that there is something better on the horizon.

At the same time, it’s helpful to identify and express gratitude. As a by-product of grieving, eventually you can acknowledge that you wouldn’t be who you are today if it wasn’t for everything that happened in your past. This is a significant . . .

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Beyond Sexual Compulsivity (Part 1)

Recovery from compulsive sex can feel like a rollercoaster with unexpected twists and turns behind every corner. Fortunately, the ride can get much smoother and less tumultuous as time and healing unfolds.

Long-term recovery is quite different than early recovery. In the beginning, stopping out-of-control sexual behaviors is the main focus while long-term recovery makes room for sex-positive, expansive experiences. In early recovery you start to notice the damaging activities of the past while long-term recovery often reveals . . .

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Sex Addiction vs. Compulsive Sex:
The Controversy Continues

A few years ago the World Health Organization recognized and included Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD) in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10). This is the first time in the history of this organization that CSBD has been validated by a global gathering of clinicians. For many years Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) have lobbied to include sex addiction as a formal diagnosis . . .

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