All of this—the compulsive sex, the emotional longing, the relationship struggles—is about the same thing: love. That feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. Intimacy and love are clearly different from the intense, adrenaline-seeking behaviors and relationships you engaged in before, and so your greatest challenge . . .
Continue reading...Compulsive Sex
All The Lonely People (Part 2)
In Part One we established that loneliness is not only a universal feeling, but it’s also a trigger for possible recurrence of compulsive sexual behavior and romantic fantasy. Let’s consider some safe, productive ways to work with loneliness . . .
Continue reading...All The Lonely People (Part 1)
Loneliness is everywhere. It’s a form of invisible suffering, a universal part of being human. It’s also a significant trigger toward the hunt for compulsive sex and the fantasy to be rescued. “I feel so alone today.” “My life is busy but I feel hollow on the inside.” “There are a lot of people in my life, yet I feel lonely . . .
Continue reading...Avoidance as a Survival Strategy (Part 2)
Because we are most defended against our greatest needs, intimacy is an emotionally-precarious territory. Over time, you learned to build self-protective walls due to past hurts, disappointments, and intrusions, but in recovery you can safely break down your walls and learn to rely on others gradually. If you’re determined to heal old relationship wounds, being in a relationship is the best place to work . . .
Continue reading...Avoidance as a Survival Strategy (Part 1)
Scratch the surface of compulsive sexual behavior, and you’ll find an avoidant attachment style. As a matter of fact, sexual compulsivity and intimacy avoidance are inseparable. Because you had poor role models to show you the way, substantial intimacy blocks are inevitable. In other words, giving and receiving love has been dangerous . . .
Continue reading...Beyond Sexual Compulsivity (Part 2)
Loss is a natural part of recovery. Because sexual compulsion is actually a misfired attempt to regulate the nervous system, it requires a conscious choice to say goodbye to these stale behaviors. This requires a willingness to say goodbye to this survival strategy and to trust that there is something better on the horizon.
At the same time, it’s helpful to identify and express gratitude. As a by-product of grieving, eventually you can acknowledge that you wouldn’t be who you are today if it wasn’t for everything that happened in your past. This is a significant . . .
Continue reading...Beyond Sexual Compulsivity (Part 1)
Recovery from compulsive sex can feel like a rollercoaster with unexpected twists and turns behind every corner. Fortunately, the ride can get much smoother and less tumultuous as time and healing unfolds.
Long-term recovery is quite different than early recovery. In the beginning, stopping out-of-control sexual behaviors is the main focus while long-term recovery makes room for sex-positive, expansive experiences. In early recovery you start to notice the damaging activities of the past while long-term recovery often reveals . . .
Continue reading...Sex Addiction vs. Compulsive Sex:
The Controversy Continues
A few years ago the World Health Organization recognized and included Compulsive Sexual Behavior Disorder (CSBD) in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10). This is the first time in the history of this organization that CSBD has been validated by a global gathering of clinicians. For many years Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSATs) have lobbied to include sex addiction as a formal diagnosis . . .
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