How does attachment style relate to long-term sexual recovery?
As we discussed, you can teach an old dog new tricks, but doing so takes determination and endurance. If you were not raised with a secure attachment, and most of us were not, it’s not too late . . .
Relationships
The Intersection of Attachment and the Regulated Nervous System (Part One)
Reliable relationships are what help infants regulate their nervous systems, and attachment patterns are founded in this connection between a baby and its caregiver. Unfortunately, many of you did not have emotionally dependable parents, leaving you at risk for compulsive behaviors. In 1988, British psychoanalyst John Bowlby wrote A Secure Base, which sparked . . .
Continue reading...Cultivating Contentment (Part Two): An excerpt from Chapter Seven, It’s Not About the Sex
By reminding yourself of what you’re grateful for in your recovery, you’ll build perspective against what hasn’t gone right in your life. Tracking gratitude also builds your capacity for deeper connections with others and decreases your tendency toward shame and comparison. Dr. Seligman suggests specific action steps to promote an “attitude of gratitude”: Begin by writing down three things you’re grateful for every day before going to sleep. Secondly, write a gratitude . . .
Continue reading...Cultivating Contentment (Part One): An excerpt from Chapter Seven, It’s Not About the Sex
In her book The Wealthy Spirit, author Chellie Campbell adopts a brilliant sea metaphor as she suggests that you surround yourself with dolphins. Her financial stress reduction workshop teaches students that there are your people, and the rest of the world; it’s your job in life to find your pod. If you have too much of a need to be liked by others, this will cause suffering. Campbell explains . . .
Continue reading...Breaking Down the Walls (Part 2)
This is one of my favorite charts because it captures two possible directions: 1. Leaning into love and intimacy or 2. Repeating past painful patterns that were established in childhood. Here are some of the differences between authentic intimacy and . . .
Continue reading...Breaking Down the Walls (Part 1)
All of this—the compulsive sex, the emotional longing, the relationship struggles—is about the same thing: love. That feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. Intimacy and love are clearly different from the intense, adrenaline-seeking behaviors and relationships you engaged in before, and so your greatest challenge . . .
Continue reading...Avoidance as a Survival Strategy (Part 2)
Because we are most defended against our greatest needs, intimacy is an emotionally-precarious territory. Over time, you learned to build self-protective walls due to past hurts, disappointments, and intrusions, but in recovery you can safely break down your walls and learn to rely on others gradually. If you’re determined to heal old relationship wounds, being in a relationship is the best place to work . . .
Continue reading...Obsession Re-visited (Part 2)
The following suggestions provide a therapeutic direction which can establish new ways of relating to yourself and others. Here are some possible ways to give the obsessive mind something else to do . . .
Continue reading...Is Love Addiction Real? (Part 2)
Now that Lori is recognizing the themes and patterns of her deeper longings, what are the tools and strategies she might consider? . . .
Continue reading...Is Love Addiction Real? (Part 1)
Lori arrived for therapy with tears in her eyes. “I did it again. I fell for another guy who was totally unavailable and once again convinced myself that he was the one. I don’t know if I can . . .
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