Entering the Here and Now (Now What? Life After Sex Addiction, Part 2)

Sometimes you’ll hear an old-timer at a twelve-step meeting tell a newcomer, “Do what’s in front of you and let go of the results.” This age-old advice is about taking things one moment at a time when life feels overwhelming. It removes future expectations, to focus on the here and now.

What’s so great about living in the present? It’s where your life force is most accessible—an oasis of emotional sobriety is available there. In fact, resiliency and buoyancy only exist in the here and now. But it takes mental muscle for you to breathe into each moment, and until now that muscle has been only infrequently used. Later on, we’ll take a deeper look at . . .

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Revealing Blind Spots (Now What? Life After Sex Addiction, Part 1)

Sexual compulsives compartmentalize sex and intimacy as separate experiences, so the quest to integrate them may seem like a long haul. Similar to how a drug addict chooses to abstain from their substance of choice, you’ve chosen to give up the adrenaline rush and immediate gratification that accompanied risky behaviors like anonymous sex or visits to “happy ending” massage parlors. If you can maintain sexual sobriety, an open heart, and some perseverance, all the rewards of emotional sobriety may come your way too.

Which is not to say the process . . .

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The Gratitude of Loss (Part Two)

Breaking up with Your Compulsive Past

Just as there is labor with birth, there is labor with death. When you make an active choice to say goodbye to sexual compulsion, the process of letting go is not a single event. It begins when your pain has become intolerable, often referred to as hitting bottom. First you stop the obvious high-risk behaviors, but later on in recovery you might also halt the more subtle behaviors, like keeping secrets from your partner or seeking sexual validation from others.

Grieve these compulsive tendencies as you let go . . .

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The Gratitude of Loss (Part One)

Grief is a good thing. Don’t get me wrong. Grieving is really hard work, but ultimately it’s a path to better understand buried parts of yourself. In American culture, it’s taboo to spend too much time and energy
dwelling on loss. Instead, you’re encouraged to get over it and move on with your life. During the course of your recovery, you’ll face a series of losses, and each of them is a growth opportunity within itself. In spite of the heavy emotional work required, I invite you to explore and process your grief because it’s a prime opportunity to learn about a valuable part of yourself.

Doors Opening, Doors Closing

A lot of celebration takes place around new beginnings such as weddings and births, but the dying process and the grief that follows . . .

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Turning Down the Volume on Shame (Part Four)

Learn how shame lives inside you, as well as your shame patterns. It’s a complicated emotion, but therapy and twelve-step work provide fertile ground to identify and heal these wounds. Read books about shame resiliency, too, and start a conversation about shame with confidants. By breaking out of isolation, you’ll take some of the power away from the shame and move toward more vulnerability and connection.

The language of shame can also be liberating. Begin to use . . .

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Turning Down the Volume on Shame (Part Three)

Because shame is such a pervasive emotion before and during recovery, I’m dedicating another post to this universally-challenging experience.

Here are some examples of shame messages you might remember from childhood:

• Am I wearing the right clothes?
• How come they live in a bigger house?
• My parents drive old cars. Wouldn’t I look cooler in a new one?
• Why do I go to public school instead of private school?
• Wouldn’t I be more attractive if I had blonde hair instead of brown hair?

Because shame starts early, it takes lots of disentangling . . .

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Group Therapy Revisited (May 2018) (Part Two)

What can a prospective group member anticipate as part of a group experience? Here are some of the typical themes that emerge:

• Relationships—romantic, family, friends, work
• Trauma and brokenheartedness
• Anxiety and depression
• Addictive, compulsive behaviors
• Career and money
• Shame and loneliness
• Sex and sexuality

When I meet a client for the first time . . .

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Group Therapy Revisited (May 2018) (Part One)

“Since I joined group, I don’t feel so alone anymore—now I know there are others who are in my corner.” I hear this sentiment over and over again from clients who commit to weekly group therapy—a place to both learn about oneself while helping others learn about themselves. Clients typically come to group because they have longings for deeper contact, and group is where they get to take risks, be vulnerable, and as a result, experience deeper connection.

In the early ‘80s . . .

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Turning Down the Volume on Shame (Part Two)

Healthier shame is like an internal alarm bell that lets you know when you’ve crossed a boundary or are too walled off. Ideally, it’s part of your broader conscience that keeps you out of trouble. Unfortunately, a hallmark of sexual compulsion is the inability to know your limits, or a tendency to reject them. When you started to realize your sexual behaviors were unmanageable, you likely wanted to stop them but couldn’t. Crossing boundaries, intruding . . .

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