By reminding yourself of what you’re grateful for in your recovery, you’ll build perspective against what hasn’t gone right in your life. Tracking gratitude also builds your capacity for deeper connections with others and decreases your tendency toward shame and comparison. Dr. Seligman suggests specific action steps to promote an “attitude of gratitude”: Begin by writing down three things you’re grateful for every day before going to sleep. Secondly, write a gratitude . . .
Continue reading...Cultivating Contentment (Part One): An excerpt from Chapter Seven, It’s Not About the Sex
In her book The Wealthy Spirit, author Chellie Campbell adopts a brilliant sea metaphor as she suggests that you surround yourself with dolphins. Her financial stress reduction workshop teaches students that there are your people, and the rest of the world; it’s your job in life to find your pod. If you have too much of a need to be liked by others, this will cause suffering. Campbell explains . . .
Continue reading...Safer Sex Revisited (Part Two: An Excerpt from It’s Not About the Sex)
When do you experience nurturing, safer touch—both sexually and platonically? How is it for you?
Seth: With my partner, touch feels safe. Sometimes I’ll go for a therapeutic massage. Also, when hugging friends.
Colin: I experience healthy, safe touch with a massage therapist I work with who is nurturing and respectful. I also experience it with brothers in the program when we . . .
Continue reading...Safer Sex Revisited (Part One: An Excerpt from It’s Not About the Sex)
In the 1980s, the concept of safer sex was developed in response to the AIDS crisis. It may be true that the only safe sex is abstinence; all forms of sex carry some degree of risk. But abstaining from sex is neither realistic nor desirable. Back in that time of uncertainty and fear, society endorsed cautious sexual choices. Today, nearly forty years later, the dilemma . . .
Continue reading...Breaking Down the Walls (Part 2)
This is one of my favorite charts because it captures two possible directions: 1. Leaning into love and intimacy or 2. Repeating past painful patterns that were established in childhood. Here are some of the differences between authentic intimacy and . . .
Continue reading...Breaking Down the Walls (Part 1)
All of this—the compulsive sex, the emotional longing, the relationship struggles—is about the same thing: love. That feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. Intimacy and love are clearly different from the intense, adrenaline-seeking behaviors and relationships you engaged in before, and so your greatest challenge . . .
Continue reading...Building Better Boundaries (Part 2)
In Part 1 we were building awareness and insight regarding better boundaries. Sometimes, boundaries can go too far and become rigid and isolating. Here are a few typical walls that you might use to protect yourself: Black-and-white thinking. This self-protective, rigid way of viewing yourself and others results in profound loneliness and unexpressed anger. Therefore, it acts . . .
Continue reading...Building Better Boundaries (Part 1)
Anger is a misunderstood part of setting boundaries that often gets overlooked. Expressing anger safely and productively is a life energy that brings you closer to others when shared directly, honestly and clearly. If two people are open to the possibility of this type of dynamic communication, it’s an intimacy-builder. Anger doesn’t imply a high-decibel level, but instead . . .
Continue reading...It’s Not The Mistakes That Count (Part 2)
In my therapy office, clients reveal setbacks all the time, and together
we process these so-called mistakes. So what do you do if you’ve been
in recovery for a while and then go off your plan? The tendency may be
to isolate and keep it a secret, but this will only perpetuate the shame
that goes along with the slip-up. Instead, contact someone you trust as
soon as possible—preferably someone in recovery. They will offer their
version . . .
It’s Not The Mistakes That Count (Part 1)
After a slip or relapse, stay out of self-judgment to prevent yourself from
falling into a shame spiral. Process it with a trusted confidant as soon as
possible. Your setback happened for a reason. Were you trying to unwind
some internal pressure? Express pent-up anger? Soothe yourself? Ask
yourself . . .